How do you change the last 6 months of your life, before you realised you were going to completely ruin the next 6 months of your life?

Before you pushed everyone away, before you lied and lied and lied and lied until your toungue bled from talking.

Before the one person who made you smile dissapeared, and you wrote clever little lies to sleep with the one who couldn't, no matter how hard she tried.

Before your dreams took ahold of your heart, and you forgot all about that girl and those snowcones, as you dreamed of everything you had been missing.

What if you actually cried when everyone left you, instead of pretending you would be allright. What if you admitted that you dont know what to do anymore, that your lost and fucking scared, and all the horrible things youve always been afraid of are creeping out to make you miserable.

I'm admitting it.
i have no fucking clue what to do.

I wonder if you ever felt
this,
beaten down,
held for granted,
spiritually descendant.

I wonder if when you thought it over,
it just progressed into darkness.
If you never fathomed a light,
like I do now.

Aside from the
subtle hint
of yellow
which my latern brings,
these walls creep lightless, lifeless and void.
They hold me,
without farmilliarity,
colour or distinct texture.

They do however,
smell of sulphur and pine
and my head defeats itself again.

I'll keep walking,
because i promised.

at the corner of my whispers
feel like gentle, silent sins.
I feel as if fighting became futile,
somwhere along the way.
Right before the paths forked off,
and hints of Frost knocked at my decision.


all ive managed to say..

I have a lovely tendency to ignore everything else in my life when im depressed. I get stuck in a cycle and i want to keep moving in that comfortable circular motion.

I tal about new beginings, moving, changing, becoming a better person but thats all that ever manifests from it, words, intent, theory.

I was lying outside last night, smoking, looking at the stars, wondering where the stuff that goes into a black hole comes out.

then it hit me; I've been spending most of my life, waiting for change Waiting for the manifestation of something completely revolutionary to shake me and move me from my little hole in the earth.

I guess i just finally realised I can't be passive, i can't sit around waiting for everything to happen right in front of me, i've got to do something.

Something to manifest the change i've been wanting forever.

And that is....

Well i have no fucking clue, BUT im going to get a real job, not that delivering pizzas isn't a real job, but i didnt spend all that time in another country wasting my parents money on education.
So my Resume is almost complete, and im filled with bright hopes, etc.

Also, I wrote
a little.

and it sucked.
been working on music alot lately though, i think thats where all of my creativity is going.


anyway, i am ok, just.. focusing on moving foreward.

waiting for that, ever present blue feather.
dreaming in morse code, and vivid LCD colour.
tapping rythms against my skull.

I'm getting tired of the same thing every fucking day.
nothing changes.


Im tired of this roller coaster.
up and down, up and down.

eh im just bitching.